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~ My Experience with Therapy Abuse ~
Consider sections of this site potentially triggering. Everyone
has different triggers and only you know what you can read or
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In over 26 years on and off of some type of therapy or 12 step group I never encountered or was prepared for what happened. After 14 months of therapy my therapist told me she had fantasies about us being together. We then discussed ethics. As if that made what she said okay. The biggest focus was on: 10.08 Sexual Intimacies With Former Therapy Clients/Patients: (a) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients for at least two years after cessation or termination of therapy. (b) Psychologists do not engage in sexual intimacies with former clients/patients even after a two-year interval except in the most unusual circumstances. Psychologists who engage in such activity after the two years following cessation or termination of therapy and of having no sexual contact with the former client/patient bear the burden of demonstrating that there has been no exploitation, in light of all relevant factors, including (1) the amount of time that has passed since therapy terminated; (2) the nature, duration, and intensity of the therapy; (3) the circumstances of termination; (4) the client's/patient's personal history; (5) the client's/patient's current mental status; (6) the likelihood of adverse impact on the client/patient; and (7) any statements or actions made by the therapist during the course of therapy suggesting or inviting the possibility of a posttermination sexual or romantic relationship with the client/patient. (See also Standard 3.05, Multiple Relationships.) The magic number was 2 years and then except in the most unusual circumstances. Well we were both lesbian in small city which led to a smaller gay community, there was the "unusual circumstances". The words this will NEVER happen were not said. What was said is "2 years is a long time, who knows what can happen". This goes way past wrong. My ability to think clearly and rationally were gone because this "women" just fulfilled my fantasy. When I went home that night I came back to these very ethics and searched to see if there was anything improper about being friends. That led me to: 3.05 Multiple Relationships: (a) A multiple relationship occurs when a psychologist is in a professional role with a person and (1) at the same time is in another role with the same person, (2) at the same time is in a relationship with a person closely associated with or related to the person with whom the psychologist has the professional relationship, or (3) promises to enter into another relationship in the future with the person or a person closely associated with or related to the person. I rationalized them all away, (1) we would no longer be in a professional relationship, (2) Didn't apply at all, (3) No one actually made any "promises" technically. No one excluded any promises either. So during my next appointment I brought up that being friends would be okay. We even set a period of time to not see each other to provide some distance between our old roles and new roles. I also agreed to her request for us to meet somewhere neutral at first and we would meet out of town. I was seeing this as us handling this very thoughtfully and maturely. Again my judgment was clouded. The bottom line was it didn't matter how I saw it, my therapist was the professional and should have pointed out that there would still exist a "dual relationship". It took 9 professionals and 8 months of therapy after the fact to see how this would still be a "dual relationship". My therapist knew intimate details about my life and I knew none of theirs the relationship would have remained unbalanced. What occurred over the last 2 appointments would be a true example of "transference/counter transference". Within the transference dyad both participants typically experience a variety of opposites. That's the VERY short explanation there are countless articles on this topic. What happened is I became therapist and my therapist became the client. I had stated immediately our relationship could never be professional in any manner. At this time I expressed that we would end therapy 3 weeks earlier as I would only be going to see her and not therapy and that that was very wrong. She still insisted that I continue to work with her and she would keep our normally scheduled time open. What should have occurred is my therapist should have been explaining why no unprofessional relationship would ever occur. The overall bottom line my therapist should have never expressed her thoughts about us and fantasies. She rationalized this by saying there was this elephant in the room. A quick explanation would be there is an unspoken tension in the room between persons. I never felt this "elephant" and even stated so. To further explain, there was no need to discuss this elephant because we were no longer going to be working together, as she was leaving for another position. All of this occurred over 3 appointments and my head was spinning. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I could almost describe it as being in high school and finding out the person you like likes you too. It is very common for clients and therapists to develop amorous feelings towards one another. This relationship of trust and intimacies grows. What IS acceptable is a client expressing their feelings and or concerns over this. At which time the therapist would reassure that this is common and natural and how it would never be anything more than professional. Now for the therapist he/she should seek counsel with their supervisor and/or their own therapist. This will never have any place in a clients therapy. Clues that may trigger concerns that your therapist may be crossing the line. Disclosure: This is when a therapist expresses personal information about themselves to their client. More common in working with clients with PTSD than let's say depression. I would say acceptable disclosures would be about pets or hobbies. This shows a commonalty between client and therapist and can build trust. Unacceptable would be the therapist discussing their own therapies. Boundaries: The fine lines between professional appropriate or inappropriate actions. There are MANY boundaries. It is not common practice to "chase" after a client that walks out of therapy. It is common for a therapist to return a phone message but if the client can "bank" on the fact that their therapist will call back immediately every time is not good. Calling clients at their homes after normal business hours should be a no no. It is not ok for a therapist to provide their personal home phone numbers. Another warning could be your therapy consistently exceeds the customary 50 minutes or your therapist starts changing your therapies for the end of the day and has you stay around when no one else is present. Not okay is your therapist checking to see if their next client has cancelled so you may continue on through that time period. No touching EVER. As much as you may want to give or receive a hug this is not okay. I have had a few occasions when a psychiatric nurse expressed that they would like to give me a hug and that was comforting in its self. Let me say again No touching. Therapists should be conscious of their clients "personal" space. It is no okay for your therapists to lean over you to get or do something. Not okay is your therapist discussing their own sexual desires. Your therapist should never have you keep secrets. Bottom line if you don't feel right about something speak out about it. First try to discuss it with your therapist if you still feel uncomfortable tell their supervisor or advisory board. In my personal experience I said I could never tell anyone what we talked about. Barely audible my therapist said she hoped "someday I may tell my new therapist". It all felt terribly wrong and I told someone. The guilt that I have felt and still feel can be unbearable. I did the right thing though. I am constantly reassured I did a good thing. This therapist had been let go and have started work with a new therapist. At no time did we ever touch each other but I feel sexually abused. There are many more details as to what happened but I'm not ready to expose them all. My first intent to creating this web page was to express my intense anger. There are very few web sites on this topic and I decided instead to make this a resource for clients as well as others in the psychiatric community. I'm also going to track my progress on this topic quarterly and provide updates here. *Quartelry just won't be right so for awhile I'll do updates every week or two.
Links to specific entry dates: 04/01/2007
It's been 8 months since my experience occurred. 1 month after this all occurred I took an intentional overdose. Personally I am still a mess. I know without any doubt that what happened was wrong on many levels. I have not been able to work on any other "issues" except this topic. Nightmares have increased, sleep decreased. My anger is at an all time high. I seclude myself from everything as much as I can. I have a basic trust of my treatment team, as for a deep trust I don't know if I will ever be able to. My self harm has increased. I feel preyed upon. I feel what little there was left of me has been destroyed. I will never be the same. I dread the thought of ever having an intimate relationship with anyone. I decided not to pursue any lawsuit against this person. Its never been my style and no money will ever fix or change this. I know she has suffered professionally. Most days I still spend hours in bed crying. Guilty and dirty from something I didn't do yet trying desperately to figure out what I did wrong. I feel pathetic and have little self esteem because I still want this person to like me. I'm being told that had I not told, the outcome would have been far worse and this I am starting to believe. I have been apologized to by everyone but there is only 1 apology I want. I doubt I will ever receive it. I created this page on a Friday. When Saturday came I couldn't get out of bed. Well suprise suprise Ms. Therapist finally called to apologize a week ago. She was very sincere in her apologize and for acting very unprofessional. She had hoped I had been "heard" by my mental health center. I said I was. Then she very skillfully ended our conversation and hung up. I hung up and I still don't know what I felt. Then it was all to familiar like 8 months ago was and I didn't get to say a fucking word. I burst into to tears. Mind you now I do NOT like crying so telling you so isn't easy. I was constantly being picked on for crying growing up. I then called my new therapist and my new case manager. Afterwards I spent the next 3 hours in bed sobbing. It's amazing how many tears the human body can produce. A couple of days later I called Ms. Therapist and asked for some phone time because I wanted her to hear. It's been awhile so I decided to post this update and I'm going to call her to this site and I will delete her number. She had asked me some fucking personal and intimate questions. The absolute worst question was: "What do you find attractive about me?" That is one of those right or wrong questions. A question you ask your boyfriend or girlfriend. NOT your FUCKING client! HELLO I've been in some intensive psychotherapy so guess what my self esteem isn't to fucking high. So what the FUCK makes you think I handled this question well. A few months before our therapy ended we talked about some things to look for in a new relationship. A job , a 401k, a house, and blah blah. I don't have ANY of those things. This is a constant source of my own mental abuse. Just to clue the world in I want NOTHING to do with an intimate relationship with anyone ever. Ms. Therapist knew I wanted "A" friend someone to just spend some time with and feel normal. I have so few friends now. People don't like to befriend the clinically depressed or any of my other mental health issues. I'm still told to "Awe Jo just think this" or "just think that". If it was that fucking easy there would be no mental health field. Next time you run into someone with an other disease and ask them those questions I bet they don't like hearing from you to "Just get over it". Ever since Ms. Therapist opened her big mouth everything has been compounded. Never tell someone you like them and in the next breath say how it is not going to happen. THAT is just plain MEAN. See, Ms. Therapist, is the furthest away from mean you can get. It's that, that makes it so confusing. Then there is why me? What did I ever do to you that made you act this way. Being the person who I am I "own" ALL of it, every word spoken, every action taken. I have never felt so miserable. Suicide would be too easy. My punishment is living this nightmare. If by some freak chance we did meet I was told we would have to meet in another town so no one would know. I was more than willing to comply. What fuck does that say about me. My hurt isn't just from being a client. I've been hurt as a woman and a individual. Honestly I will never be the same. Ms. therapist I looked right at you (not normal for me) and I said "you could squish me like a bug". You didn't say no Jo I could never or no Jo I would never you simply said "I know". Then you stepped the fuck all over me. You ruined me. I swing back and forth from this anger and guilt I relive this everyday. The one that grinds at me is I told, and I said I would never tell. I no longer have my own word left. I used to at least have that to hold onto. Ms. Therapist I sold my truck to the junkman last month. You knew what that means to me. Well I don't process ANYTHING in my therapy but you. I don't even know where my trucks fits on the I'm screwed up scale. I didn't want to yell and scream at you, I didn't want to call you names. I just wanted you to hear me. I feel foolish and ashamed. Oh yeah, let me throw in the guilt thing again. You couldn't contain in your voice HOW exited you were about going to your new job. I hear that voice and see THAT face everyday. I'm so fucking far from okay. There is more but I just can't do this anymore today. Time flies when your fucking miserable. It's just about 9, yes, 9 months since I heard, "Do you want me to really blow you away". My life is still trash. I blew off therapy one week. I am ONLY allowed to have therapy once per week, as that is all my diagnosis calls for. Still not sure why the prior 14 months it was okay that I had therapy twice a week. No one has an answer for me on that question. A couple of months ago it came to my attention that members of my treatment team felt it was best I remain at the mental health center and NOT move my treatment with Ms. Therapist. If I could describe to you all the look on my old case managers face and my new therapists face when I told them the "offer" Ms. Therapist presented me with 9 months ago. The offer was this: even though I would no longer have a case manager, she would help me with paperwork, even though I wouldn't have my case manager to meet out in the community with weekly, she would provide me with her pager number so I could contact her on Saturdays. Saturdays are my "bad day". Then she knew I didn't really get along well with the Dr. I would have had to see, she was going to get me a different provider. I had to go home already upset about losing my therapist, I had to admit what feels like to defeat to me, that I knew I needed to stay and could not continue to work with her. It was unfair to start with, even more unfair to find out treatment team was SURPRISED by your offer. What a selfish BITCH. So, after all that Ms. Therapist still had to open her fucking big mouth and use the words, "fantasies", "care" and "feelings". WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY ??? I must wear a big sign that says, "I already feel like a big piece of shit, feel free to kick me or fuck with my head." We still aren't ready to delve into the, "yes I still like this person" issue. Boy, that should make for a few interesting therapy appointments. I did have one okay week. I managed to get a tax return and that equaled "Therapy Shopping", just one of the criteria I present for Borderline Personality Disorder. Well, like everything else, that doesn't work well anymore either. I have really wanted to drink again but that doesn't work either. Thank god cutting still works or I'd be, as I like to say, FUCKED! Of course new therapist sees my not wanting to say how much I DO still obsess as strength. WHATEVER. ALL I wanted was 50 fucking minutes of my life to NOT think about Ms. Therapist and I still couldn't get through the whole session without saying her name. It is difficult to not just use her name here. I do want to shout your name out too. So, this is a good time for you to pause a minute and say to yourself, "it's a good thing Jo still likes me and has feelings for me". Isn't life grand to have feelings for someone the whole universe tells you it is wrong and will never happen. I had these feelings "safely" tucked away. Nope, you had to open that can of worms. Best off you left this HUGE mess behind for all your ex co-workers to fix! Nothing feels better to care for someone and they use you. Feel free to interject as much sarcasm as you can muster. Devastated doesn't even begin to describe where I am at. My Nurse Practitioner doesn't like to give out meds, I like this about her. For awhile it really felt like she was feeding me Seroquel like they were fucking M&Ms. I do NOT like Seroquel. I'm more angry than I have ever been. I've been angry my whole life, no news flash there. What the FUCK made you think this was even remotely okay? See, what I need now are anti-angry pills! They don't make anti-angry pills! I seriously hope you don't think your apology over the phone was enough. You should have the decency to look me in the face and say it! Of, course now I'm told to be lucky I got that and that was better than nothing. I will NOT SETTLE. I have settled my whole life. Suck it up Jo. Be better than that Jo. Act like the oldest Jo. Stop being a selfish brat. Yesterday was Saturday and I did what I do almost every Saturday. I laid in bed and I cried all fucking day long. God I even told you, that you helped me see a little of me again. All I see is a very tired and very angry waste. Nothing pisses me off more when a doctor tells me I'm angry. No fucking shit! Guess what now, I'm even more angry. I want you to tell me why. I do know now you had NO intention of ever seeing me. So, WHY? Did you make yourself feel better? I want Laurie my old therapist back. At least when she dumped my ass as her client she was honest and looked me in the face and said she couldn't provide me with the care I needed. I wish I could say I was an empty shell. I'm not empty, I am filled with hurt and anger. I don't want to ever "feel" anything for anyone ever. The only place I am safe is home alone. I have to prep myself to act okay whenever I step outside. I only exist. I know people think this is some "productive" way to "process". How will this ever get better? This permeates me to the core. I am nothing. I mean really , think about it, if your own therapist is going to kick you when your down who else will do it. I'm safe from no one. I mean could anyone ever really believe I could trust someone again. I thought you really cared. Played the fool again. Seriously when your treatment team starts cheering you on with some shopping therapy , instead of calling it what it is, another fruitless attempt to hide the pain. I try so hard to figure out what it is that I did wrong. None of this is like you. My old case manager would tell me, "No one saw this coming". I just want you to help me understand, cause no one can. What an idiot I am. Now I'm going to do what works and then lay in bed and try to figure this all out. Another 2 weeks have passed and no new surprise that nothing groundbreaking has occurred on this topic. I have decided to give Ms. Therapist a name. Now I won't tell you if it is real or not. Of course the people that do know will know the truth. So I am going to name you "X". Nice and easy. I guess I will start out by saying to whoever reads this; no one knows "everything" that was said, not yet anyway. Not even the investigators. Yes, there was this nice little internal investigation at my mental health center and I wasn't even spared from it. They did trick me into talking. I wasn't even told there was an "investigation" till it was essentially over. I had been demanding to know why I had not been given a replacement therapist. Then when bitching to my old case manager she said they would like me to talk to so and so. I reluctantly agreed. It was Friday and off I was sent to meet the 2 people investigating. I was quite pissed off and even went in defending X and saying this was all bull shit give me a therapist. I did a VERY high level overview as to what had transpired. Then came the shocker not the very first part, but let me continue. There were some "discrepancies" between our stories. I was told of 1 specific difference and that was X denied ever telling her supervisor. A little background info; During one of the last sessions X and I had I looked her dead in the face and asked her "Who else knows about this?" her reply; "I told my thera" a pause " I told my supervisor." That some how made this whole little thing ok. So my immediate reaction to the investigators was; " She's a lying whore!" I had blown a head gasket on that. Never took you to be a LIAR! Needless to say I was told I could spend the weekend in the hospital. Fuck that shit! I said NO. I had already been hospitalized twice for a total of 5 days since this occurred. Then I was given an emergency appointment with my nurse practitioner, whom I found out stayed an hour after, on her day she normally leaves early, to meet with me. I left the investigators got into my truck and proceeded to hyperventilate I was so angry. Of course I cut that following weekend and then I detailed "almost" ever little detail of my last few meetings with X. I have refrained from posting that 11 page document on the internet. When I met with my old case manager Tuesday I was still very angry and that is when I divulged to her that X asked me "what was it that I found attractive" about her. Oh my god, the look on her face was one I will never forget. She was never reactionary to anything I have said before. Well, she sent me right back to talk to the investigators. I spent 2 hours telling them most everything that had happened. Then after I spill my guts is when they decided to tell me you had ALREADY been FIRED! I have never felt like such an asshole in my whole life. A few days earlier I was defending you, I must have looked so foolish and not knowing. I still feel very used by the investigators. There was no need for me to have had to go through ANY OF IT! That's when I knew X would never speak to me again. This bitch lies stone cold to my face and I'm upset she won't like me. Get ready for some sarcasm; I am the supreme leader of self esteem! This is some of why I am so angry, why I had extra medication, why I still barely sleep, why I spend countless hours crying and I'm upset X won't talk to me. It's like I'm standing in line jumping up and down and screaming PLEASE ABUSE ME SOME MORE! More than anything I HATE being lied to. I want to know why you had to lie. I mean what is it that I said or did to get this shit? 14 months of therapy shot to hell. Plus 2 more months with no therapist. All one giant waste. I trust no one now. NO ONE! I don't tell anyone anything the world doesn't already know. I'm a giant fool who doesn't sleep and feels worthless. Well I have some worth, I am everyone's kicking post. No one wants to spend any length of time with "the cutter" anyhow. So, WHY would I think X would want to spend time with me? I doubt very seriously that she had any intention of seeing me even if I kept my big mouth shut. The more I think about it the more pathetic I am. I now cut my right arm. I pretty much had to retire my left forearm. My arm used to bulge because I was in shape now its a lump of scar tissue. I was saving my right forearm for a tattoo. Not anymore. No part of me is safe from me and my razor. It doesn't matter to me anymore how I look. I only hide it when I might be near children. I'm all used up now. I will never be with anyone ever again. You can own that X. It's yours. I was already on the edge. You held out your hand to me and when I finally trusted you to reach back, all you did was shove me over. I won't cut tonight. My week old wound was one of my worst. I'll just do what I do everyday, smoke too much and try to make sense of this. I just spin in circles. Listening to my music today, I found some lyrics to describe where I was in my therapy and as a person and where I feel like it was left. Rascal Flatts - "What Hurts The Most" Part of the chorus: What hurts the most * It's not the abandonment shit, it's about the trust to speak and have it destroyed. When I hear this song it is not about when I was first told that therapy was over and it wasn't the last session. It was after meeting outside of therapy and watching her drive away. Part of me knew then, we would never meet again. Select "Play" to hear full song. If you don't hear anything please wait a moment for the song to download. If your on dial up this may take a minute or two. My apologies to those users of browsers other than Internet Explorer. The song plays on page load for you. I don't like that and will research a way to correct it.
It’s the 17th and I have really wanted to post another entry but (a) I just embedded a song on the 16th and (b) I had made a long entry on the 11th. I met with my therapist this am and she had mentioned my last April entry was “well written” and I seemed to get out a lot. I told her I didn’t and that I’m no better off than I was since this all blew up. I exhausted myself from fighting off the urge to drink on the 16th. I told her I was serious about wanting to review X’s notes but this time I wanted to look over ALL of them not just the last few I had already read. Her notes SUCK and I don’t mean it from an angry place; I mean it from reading it in a supposed professional view. The concern is that if I bring home 14 months worth of notes to read it may torment me more than I already am. I am confident that nothing can torment me any more than I already am. I really do NOT want to waste my 50 minutes a week reading though. I really want the entire 2 years worth of everyone’s notes. I’m in NO mood to be fucked with anymore. ENOUGH! I vacillate between doubting X knows this web page exists or she can’t stop herself from reading it. I do know with no doubt that is she does know its here she is reading. Time for a history lessen as I like to recall these little tidbits to people who haven’t heard this before. When I last met her I gave her a heads up this got out of control and supervisors were being told. She had the FUCKING stance that she “stands by what she did”. I couldn’t believe that she was going to make a stand like that. I knew this was going to get uglier and quickly. So, miss “stand by what you did” why the FUCK didn’t you document any of it. What you did do is use my own words out of context for your own fucking notes. I even said “you can get fired for this”. I doubt I’ll ever understand why I was so shocked when I found out she was fired. I knew I fucked up the second I said anything. I fucked up BADLY! I own that. I have never felt like I betrayed anyone anymore than I did when I did that. I even said in my last entry she can own me never being in a relationship with anyone. She doesn’t own that either it’s mine to own. Couldn’t write anymore and the next day I cut pretty badly again. It’s Saturday the 19th and just like all before, I lay in bed and cried. I just reread all of this and no matter what everyone says no matter how much I try to pretend I don’t own any of this, I OWN IT ALL. I had to have done something to initiate this. I know I initiated it all. X would tell me I was “charming”. There is something I can be proud of; I charmed my therapist right out of a job. That will look good on a resume. Oh wait there won’t be anymore resumes because I’m all done with the real world. An old friend emailed me the other day and said to “hold my head up”, what the hell does THAT mean. My new therapist says X had loving feelings for me. Great someone tells you that they care about you and has feelings for you and realizes they fucked up and then takes it all back and takes off running the other way. Oh yeah that makes me feel really good. Please note complete sarcasm. So, when people say I can enter into trusting and loving relationships again all I have to say is YOU do it I QUIT. Why on earth would I EVER want to expose myself to this kind of pain again? Along with the embarrassment shame and guilt, no thank you. I just want X to talk to me and explain why? Why am I so horrible? Fine I was charming but at no point can I remember being hurtful or mean. Why am I not even worthy of an explanation? X’s sorry alone doesn’t cut it. With no explanation no way to understand it, just makes it worse. So let’s see, yes I care, I made a mistake, oops sorry, got to go. How the fuck am I supposed to ever be ok with that? So many people know about this. I’m sure their imaginations just run wild as to what the “fantasies” are about. The people that now know so much more about me and I don’t even know who they are. As for telling the whole world via this web site, that’s different, if just one therapist reads this and it keeps them from opening their big mouth or if just some other client can relate and not feel so alone with their feelings of shame then it’s worth it. It already feels to me like the world knows anyhow. I can’t be any more worthless or foolish than I am now. Aside from throwing in a new little tidbit of enlightenment all I do is repeat myself. Seriously hour by hour, day after day, week after endless week I relive this searching for some sort of answers. X if you would just call me and help explain some of the whys. It’s been another shit week and half and I am exhausted. My Nurse Practitioner put me back on Seroquel for the third time since this nightmare began. It's given me the couple more hours sleep I desperately need. Each day I lose more interest in the few things left I enjoy. I'm sure X hasn't skipped a beat in her life. So, what will this week's little tidbit / history lesson be? How about our playful banter. I'm not sure when or how it started but I would say "It's about you" and she would say "No, It's about you", back and forth we would go a few rounds of this. I used to enjoy it, it lightened therapy up and had a tone of being silly. I used to be able to be silly. I have nothing left of me to be silly about. Was this just playful banter though? Like I said I have been searching mind thinking through 14 months of therapy with X looking for when things changed. I'm starting to believe it changed right from the word go. When X last called to apologize she managed to toss in "It's about you now". No FUCKING shit it's about me. It had been about X the last couple weeks we met, there is no doubt about that. I joined an online support forum for people that have been exploited by professionals. The other day DBT came up and that when you drop out of group you lose your therapist. Interestingly enough when I dropped out of group X remained my therapist. I just thought that this rule wasn't followed. This then reminded me when my old case manager asked me once who was my DBT therapist before X. She was VERY surprised to hear I had only seen X and she said that where I go for therapy adheres to the DBT rule of no group then new therapist. Of course now it's just another fucking question I have about my therapy with X. It's still pending on whether or not I will be given all my therapy notes. I need those notes. If I'm not given them then I will have to spend my therapy time reading them instead of being able to read them at home. I will be comparing them to my journal. Some notes so far have had my own words taken completely out of context. The last few sessions I understand why that was, it's because X had to cover her ass. I have even read a few weeks prior to that and X's notes were bull shit. I used to think X was "the therapist", the one who I would finally be safe with to work through the nightmares of my life. Now X is just another nightmare, but this one hurts more than so many. X has triggered every sexual assault of my past. She did just like the past perpetrator, she lied made me feel "special", we would meet in secret, if I was good we could continue to meet I'm sure. How can I ever believe someone if they ever say they "care" about me and have "real feelings". How was I so blind to this. Everyday is a flashback. I don't even have the energy for my rage. I'm too tired and beat up. I'm losing the fight in me. My new desk should be here in the next couple of days and I am not even excited anymore. My ex even expressed she was wondering what kind of "mess" I would leave her with when I die. That's fucking sweet. I did get her to agree to take Weebles. In 2 weeks my kid is getting married and in 2 weeks I will have my happy face on and my shit together. I won't ruin her day. After I process all her wedding pictures it's just a crap shoot then. Before I start, I just want to say that I would guess 90% of me believes that X is reading this. My current therapist suspects the same. So each week I wonder why and each week we speculate why she doesn’t respond. I am NOT going to sue X. I will admit I consulted with my lawyer and the bottom line is if I want to sue X I have to sue my mental health center. They did nothing wrong and people that know me know I have very strong feelings on right and wrong and I won’t sue them. I then wonder if X is too afraid to own up to her own bull shit. X needs to own her issues with counter transference. Even stating that, I feel like I own it, that I did something to precipitate these actions. I am SO fucking angry I am calm. Thursday I received 18 months worth of my prior clinical notes. To tell you the truth I am not even sure where to start describing what I found. I guess I will start by saying my 1st case manager had the absolute WORST notes, I’m not surprised. Now X’s notes started out accurate but then they changed. It’s subtle but it is when I thought things had changed between us. Before and after this change some of her notes are complete crap. I’m going to assume that she stated we did far more DBT after I dropped group so she could stay my therapist. Case manager #2, she had the best notes and I’m not surprised at all. Therapist #2, who I only saw a few times even failed to document some very important facts. My nurse and nurse practitioner I can feel safe knowing they provide accurate notes. I also read of few of therapist’s #3 notes, my current T, and I can have some trust in her. I didn’t get any notes from case manager # 3 but I’m not worried about her notes. I’m only left to surmise that the last couple of weeks of X’s notes were purely to protect herself and had little to do with my care. Reading those notes feels like another slap in the face. Like I have said before never in a million years would I take X to be a liar or one to so blatantly “bend” the truth. It all just makes me toss a few more of those “why” questions onto the pile. It troubles me to know that X can go about her life and enjoy things she is passionate about. I am so stuck I can’t see a way out except getting answers to my questions. Answers I keep getting told I won’t ever get. I’ll just crawl back into bed. I surrender. I tried calling X one last time and was told by her pit bull of a roommate under no terms would there be contact between X and I. So, I admit defeat and resign to the fact that I will never know “why” she did what she did, get the answers to my questions or get an apology in person. I will settle for the apology I did get and consider myself lucky with that. It’s been a very long 11 months and I have gotten nowhere but backwards. Next weekend I’ll turn 42 and need to grow up and accept this as yet another fucked up thing that life has had to offer me. I spent the other day reviewing the highlights of my life and it wasn’t pretty. Yet I shouldn’t complain I have always had a roof over my head, food to eat, clothes and shoes and a decent education. I have been given so many opportunities to advance and I have failed every time. I have been depressed on and off my whole life but I have never felt as miserable as I feel today. The last week I have survived on chocolate milk, coffee and a few peanut butter crackers. It’s ok I just saw a picture of myself and like a walrus I can survive on my fat reserves. I also saw in that picture a look at my right arm. I didn’t cover it on the day of my daughters wedding because I didn’t think it looked so bad. Again I was wrong, it’s only one scar but it is horrendous. My 4 year old grandson asked gramma what happened and I lied and said gramma fell. He then asked if I cried and I said yes. That interaction cinched for me that I will never be with anyone again. First off after X I will never put myself “out there” to be hurt again and then I could never expect anyone to understand what I do to myself. Even if I do stop I could never think anyone would accept how severely and permanently I have scarred myself. Seriously the last 8 months living alone has really been ok. I was afraid I could never do it now I’m afraid to be with anyone. The holidays really weren’t that bad. Valentines Day is just plain stupid, and on my birthday my ex wife will call and sing Happy Birthday and it will all be over. I’ve come full circle. I started my life out in low income apartment struggling with a physical disability and now just shy of 42 I am in a low income apartment struggling with my mental disability. I remember 1 night when I was about 5 or 6 and it was night and I was just staring out the window and I felt very disconnected to the outside. I caught myself the other night doing and feeling exactly the same as I did that night so long ago. My case manager keeps telling me “You were Jo before all this”. I have no idea anymore who or where I was. Last time I saw X I thanked her for helping me “see me” again and now today I know that was all a lie and mirage.
Well it’s 2 years and where do I sit with all this? I sit in HELL! With all the sarcasm I can muster I say; thank you Kim for the shit you turned my life into! All those years of therapy learning how to trust the people I work with and in just a few moments you blew it all to hell. I trusted you too much; I believed you had my best interest first. That wasn’t the truth. You only cared about yourself. Fact: Kimberly G. is her name. Fact: She has been rebuilding her career with Genesis Behavioral Health which is located in Laconia NH (603) 524-1100 and Plymouth NH (603) 536-1118. Fact: There is NO way possible that she used Riverbend Community Mental Health as a reference to obtain her current job. That’s 7 years of unexplained practical work experience hidden. Fact: Riverbend is still working with me diligently on recovering from Kim’s abuse. Fact: Kim still does NOT hold a license in/with the state of New Hampshire Board of Mental Health. Fact: I made contact with the Disability Rights Center of New Hampshire. I have lost so much of my life that I can no longer quantify it. Kim has no right working with anyone in any capacity. Like all predators she will seek and find new prey. I took an intentional overdose over this and was lucky to survive what if the next victim isn’t so fortunate. Kim you are truly the biggest asshole I have ever met. Just to be clear anytime I had to speak to Emergency Services from Riverbend I made sure they know what you did! When one of your former coworkers looked at me in shock I just said “Ask Dr. Murray”. Kim you’re not very popular at Riverbend anymore!
AdvocateWeb - The Resource if you are abused by a professional. Awesome Site! American Psychological Association - Ethics Code If Sex Enters Into The Therapy Relationship - Principle and Standards of Ethics For Psychoanalysts - American Counseling Association Ethics - Ethics Codes & Practice Guidelines for Assessment, Therapy, Counseling, & Forensic Practice - Treatment Exploitation Recovery Network (TERN) - BASTA! - Boston Associates to Stop Treatment Abuse - Is There Something Wrong or Questionable in Your Treatment? BASTA! - Are You In Trouble With A Client? New Hampshire Board of Mental Health Practice - Online Professional Licensing Lookup Chapter 135-C New Hampshire Mental Health Services system - Chapter 330-A Mental Health Practice - This is for NH Psychology Laws & Licensing Boards In Canada & the United States -
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